


To Know

by ifonlyiwaswittier



Series: Unrelated Eruri [5]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Crush, Awkward Flirting, Drunk Erwin Smith, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluffy Ending, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Erwin Smith, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, listen they are high schoolers, so they are generally sweet and angsty and awkward, trying to work through all their gay ass feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-29 01:37:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15062210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifonlyiwaswittier/pseuds/ifonlyiwaswittier
Summary: Something about Erwin makes Levi ache in a way he’s not familiar with, with a nostalgia he can’t place, because even though he’s sure he’s seen Erwin somewhere before, that just doesn’t make sense. Levi knows he'd sure as hell remember meeting a trans guy in their town, especially one with a smile so familiar.(or: your classic "new boy at school" fic)





	To Know

**Author's Note:**

> Commission for [@kittyboo8015](www.kittyboo8015.tumblr.com) on tumblr. Watch out for all the high school tomfoolery/immaturity you'd expect.
> 
> Find me [on Tumblr](ellswritesthings.tumblr.com) if you wanna scream with me.

Levi realizes he hates recess about a week into 1st grade at his new school. The bigger kids tease him constantly, and almost all the other kids are bigger than him. They call him stupid because of the way he talks, because of how slowly he reads, call him a cry baby because he begs the teachers to take him away from Kenny and back home to his mom in Iowa. They make fun of the rip in his favorite tee shirt, the orange one with sharks and _Chomp, Chomp, Chomp!_ screen printed across the orange fabric.

The few that don’t tease him, won’t let him play. That hurts his feelings even worse.

“Sorry,” a red headed boy tells him one afternoon, toeing the pea gravel beneath his light-up Sketchers. “My dad said I can’t play with you.”

Levi looks down at his own velcro shoes, one strap missing and the others fraying. “Why not?” he asks.

“My mom says you give people hair bugs!” his friend, a second grader with oversized glasses, screams loud enough for the whole playground to hear.

“Let me play with you,” Levi growls, fists clenched. The red head knocks Levi to the ground with a hard shove, the sounds of his _Get away from us, weirdo!_ mixing with the teacher’s indignant _Hey!_ and Levi scrambles to his feet, nearly trips over himself as he runs to his hiding spot under the slide. It’s a small spot, even for him, his only refuge among too tall playground equipment and too tall kids.

He’s still picking rocks out of his palms when his hiding spot get a visitor.

“Leave me alone,” Levi mumbles, focusing on his hands. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees a pair of feet in white sandals, complete with plastic flowers on the top, shift back and forth.

“They shouldn’t make fun of you like that,” the visitor says. “It’s mean.”

Levi shrugs.

“They’re mean, so you can play with me,” the visitor declares triumphantly. Levi looks up, sees blonde hair and a unicorn patterned dress and frowns.

“I only like to play soldiers.”

“I like to play soldiers too!” the visitor exclaims, voice shrill with excitement. Before Levi can say no the visitor is reaching for his hand, tugging him up and out from under the slide.

“Can I be the General? Or wait no, a Commander! What’s your name?” the other kid says in a steady stream, words running together in the buzz of enthusiasm. Levi’s eyes widen, caught between intense suspicion and nearly overwhelming happiness. Hardly anyone’s paid him any attention since the man from the government dropped him off at his uncle’s house in Indiana.

“I’m Levi,” he says.

“Levi,” the other kid repeats, “Would you like to be my Captain?”

* * *

Growing up in small town Idaho is boring, as far as Levi’s concerned. Not that he’s ever known anywhere else, not since he was taken to Kenny when he was 6, but he’s convinced the town only exists because there’s a highway interchange nearby. During the week he goes to school, studies hard because he’s not really into the idea of stacking snowglobes in the tacky tourist shop downtown for the rest of his life. On the weekends he sits with Farlan and Isabel and Petra on the back steps of the library, smoking cigarettes and talking boys because Levi and Farlan are the only gay guys their town has ever known according to everyone.

So, it isn't hard for Levi to recognize that something is different the second Isabel sits down at their regular table in the cafeteria, a couple months after school started. He doesn’t even have time to wonder what’s up because Isabel’s launched into a full blown explanation before her tray has even hit the table.

“There’s a new kid in my art class, came from New York City, draws so good and-”

“She almost makes me wish I was straight,” Farlan drawls, setting his tray down next to Isabel.

“ _He_ ,” Petra enunciates, putting a dark red lunch box down next to Levi.

“Huh?” Levi grunts around a mouthful of cheese sandwich. He swats Isabel’s hand away as she tries to steal the cookie off his tray, ignoring her disappointed whine. Junior year sucks but at least it means that Isabel finally gets to be in high school with him, even if she’s always trying to steal his dessert.

“ _He_ ,” Petra repeats, “Is in my psychology class. _His_ name is Erwin and the teacher read off his, you know, old name and…” she trails off and everyone at the table gives her their own look of confused silence. Blush rises on her cheeks, quick as always. “He’s, you know-”

“There she is!” Isabel yells, pointing at the far door to the cafeteria.

“He,” Petra sighs in exasperation but everyone’s eyes are on Erwin.

Levi thinks maybe he knows Erwin from somewhere but that thought flies out the window before it can gain any traction because _damn_. Farlan is right. Erwin is tall and blonde and well dressed compared to most of the pajama clad teens dotting the tables. He’s wearing a green and black button down that shows off toned arms that Levi wants around him, jeans that hug his ass in all the right ways and Levi wants to sink down to his knees and nuzzle his face into that dark denim, undo the zipper and-- and do what? He’s never liked anyone with a-

“Who saddled the poor sucker with Armin?” Farlan asks, interrupting his train of thought. No one gets the chance to answer because, from the corner they’ve all affectionately titled Douche Land, some guy in basketball shorts and a bro tank yells,

“Hey fag!”

Armin freezes, eyes wide and Erwin stops too, looking calm but not sure where else to go. Everyone at his table turns to look at Levi.

“Yeah, I got it,” he grumbles, wrapping his sandwich back up haphazardly before standing. “Fucking basketball shorts,” he mutters as he makes his way over, “It’s fucking October.”

The cafeteria is the quietest Levi’s ever heard it in the three years he’s been having lunch there. Their town is a sleepy one,  after all, tucked away in the middle of some farm lands. Someone has their phone out and Levi rolls his eyes at the thought that this will all probably be on Instagram before 5th period starts.

“You think you’re a guy?” Basketball Shorts asks, approaching Armin and Erwin with a group of his clones backing him up.

“I am a guy,” Erwin says. It sounds like something he’s had to remind people a thousand times and Levi thinks that’s pretty fucked up.

“That’s a shame,” one of the cronies shouts from the back of the group. “I bet you’re real slutty when you spread those legs-”

“Alright, back the fuck off,” Levi demands, shoving his way in between Basketball Shorts and the other two. That Instagram won’t have anything to show besides him beating up some dudebros, he’ll make sure of that.

“Oh no,” Basketball Shorts fake whines, “Head fag here to protect his fag babies?”

The other boys howl in laughter.

“Okay, Chad-” Levi says.

“My name is-”

“I don’t give a flying fuck what your name is,” Levi interrupts. “Why don’t you take your butt buddies back to your little corner and compare gains or some shit.”

“You think I’m scared of you?” Shorts asks, moving towards Levi until their chests touch. “You think I’m scared of some little cock sucker like you?”

“I knew you were dumb,” Levi says, pushing right back.  “But even an animal can remember an ass beating.”

Shorts pauses, clearly remembering the last time he decided to mess with Levi. A second’s hesitation, a hush among his cronies, and it’s just enough for Levi seize onto. He pushes Shorts hard.

“Fuck off,” he snarls. The lunchroom roars and Levi turns away with the satisfaction that he’ll be the subject of any posts tonight, not Erwin or Armin. Isabel and Farlan might be the loudest of them all, chanting Levi’s name and pounding the table until they spot one of the lunch ladies coming out from behind the counter to tell them all to shut up. Levi sees her severe frown and decides he should probably get back to his sandwich.

“Oh my gosh.” Armin pants falling into step behind Levi. “Oh my gosh, thank you so much. I don’t know what I would’ve done. Thank you, they’re just so-”

“Do you want to eat with us?” Levi interrupts, saving Armin from his own frantic rambling.

“No, no, um, thank you but I’ve got-” he nods towards another table and Levi recognizes the doctor’s son, the one always getting into fights, and his adopted sister, probably the only Asian kid in the entire county.

“Knock yourself out,” he says as Armin bustles away. He turns to look at Erwin, still rooted to his spot. “You coming?”

Erwin smiles and it looks so familiar. It looks like home.

* * *

 “So, Erwin,” Farlan says, poking his head between the driver and passenger seats, “Are you more of a driving gay or a cooking gay?”

It’s the Thursday before Thanksgiving break and Levi’s driving Farlan and Isabel home before he drives Erwin to his first meeting of a transgender support group. Over the past month Erwin has eaten with them everyday and it makes Levi ache in a way he’s not familiar with, with a nostalgia he can’t place because even though he’s sure he’s seen Erwin somewhere before, that just doesn’t make sense. Levi knows he’d sure as hell remember meeting a trans guy in their town.

Levi buries his feelings of longing by telling himself that plenty of people hold their shoulders that way, furrow their brows like Erwin does. Plus, the timeline wouldn’t make any sense either. Erwin’s parents are divorced so he grew up with his dad in New York City. He’s only moved here to Idaho because his dad took an assignment abroad and wanted Erwin to stay in the US with his mom.

“See Levi here,” Farlan says, poking Levi on the face and getting a _stop that shit_ in return. “Is the driving gay. Got this lovely hunk of shit when his uncle’s boyfriend Uri died. Now he’s basically my chauffeur-”

“You fucking wish.”

“-except a lot more annoying.”

Erwin shakes his head, laughing. “I like to cook.”

Farlan hums. “Seem like you two will be the perfect couple then.”

Levi covers a choke with a cough and he’s surprised he doesn’t swerve off the road. He thinks about all the incognito windows he’s been using lately, the books he’s checked out from the library in the next town over under a fake name, the calculus test he did shit on because he’s been reading advice blogs and watching trans guys on YouTube, been trying to figure what the fuck he’s feeling because he was basically sure about being gay.

“What can you cook?” Isabel says, poking her head up next to Farlan’s.

“Both of you, sit back and put your seatbelts on,” Levi snaps.

“Can you make lasagna?”

“Three different kinds,” Erwin says, conspiratorial. Levi jerks his car the shoulder and throws it into park with a sudden lurch.

“Alright, this is your stop,” he says. He needs them out of the car, needs some goddamn peace and quiet, anything to stop the _you two will make a perfect couple_ buzzing in his head.

"But Levi,” Farlan whines, “It’ll take us like an hour to walk home from here.”

“Then you better get going,” Levi says. The others grumble and slam the doors as they leave and Levi regrets kicking them out the second he peels away from the curb. He had no idea that being alone with Erwin would be so much worse, make him ache so deeply for something he’s sure he never had in the past, for something he’s sure he can’t have in the future.

They spend the rest of the ride in almost complete silence and Levi’s head drums to the beat of _you two will make a perfect couple_ . Erwin twists and untwists his fingers in his lap and Levi knows what must be under the seam of his khakis so he tries his best to drown out the banging with his own mantra of _I’m gay, I’m gay_.

“Google says it’s right up here.” Erwin finally points to a house turned storefront with a huge rainbow flag.

“Pretty inconspicuous, huh-”

“I’d cook for you,” Erwin says in a rush. “If you wanted me to.”

Levi slows the car down, pulling into a parking space a half block down. Out front, there are some other people their age, some milling around the lawn, others rushing inside or greeting friends with excitement. He’d never met any other people like Erwin but he guesses that some of them look so- so normal, that he’d never really be able to tell. Levi watches them and he can’t seem to find any words through the pounding rhythm of his thoughts, wouldn’t be able to force them out around the depth of his aching anyway.

“I’ll, um, see you at school tomorrow then,” Erwin says. He unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the door before Levi finally blurts out,

“I’d like that.”

Erwin pauses, frozen halfway out of the car.

“I mean that I’d-” Levi interrupts himself with a sigh, runs his hand through his hair. “I’d like it if you cooked for me.”

“Alright.” Erwin beams. “I’ll text you then?”

“Yeah, and um.” Levi gestures vaguely at the house. “Good luck or whatever.”

Erwin nods with a quick _thanks_ and just like that he’s running to greet complete strangers like they’ve been friends for years. Levi watches him for a second before pulling back onto the road. He spends the whole drive home wondering why he can’t stop thinking about the girl he used to play soldiers with when he hasn’t thought of her in years.

* * *

 A couple weeks later, Farlan texts Levi on a Friday after school, saying Isabel’s cousin’s neighbor offered to buy them some beers.

 _If u get Petra to go on a date with him,_ the text reads. Levi doesn’t see the text until hours later since he’s been stacking cans at the grocery store since school ended. He rolls his eyes the second he sees it.

 _Petra hates Oluo_ , he sends. He pockets his phone, ashing his cigarette in the 10 gallon bucket the manager leaves outside the service entrance. It vibrates again almost immediately.

_Yeah but he doesn’t know that._

Levi huffs a laugh, sends back a quick _fine as long as you keep the vultures out_ , remembering the time some jackass’s from the next town over decided to crash Isabel’s birthday party and got so rowdy the neighbors called the cops.

It's sometime after 1am after he finally pulls up to the house. There's some new shift manager working Friday nights and who kept him almost an hour after the Target closed because he couldn't understand how to close out a fucking register.

He knows there's something wrong when he has to park almost a quarter mile way and it only gets worse as he walks up. There's people out on the lawn, for Christ’s sake.

“Fucking vultures,” he mutters to himself, crushing his cigarette butt beneath his foot. “Farlan!” he yells, as he approaches the house, pushing strangers. “Fuck outta my way. Farlan!”

“Hey, Levi,” Farlan drawls, slinking out of a wobbly group to throw an arm around Levi's shoulder. He’s blasted but apparently everyone else is too.

“What the fuck, Farlan,” Levi hisses. “I said no vultures.

“It’s just a few friends!”

“Where’s Kenny? He’s gonna beat the shit out of us.”

Farlan waves his hand vaguely. “Psh, he went to the bar. Don’t worry, Levi, have a drink, you need to relax.”

Levi bristles. He thinks about all the creative ways he's going to get back at Farlan for this but then he remembers who's farlan is as a person, constantly stressed and unable to say no, and decides that he should have known this would have happened.

“Farlan-” he sighs.

“Levi!” It’s Erwin, standing on the front porch, looking pretty lucid but his hair is mussed and there’s blush high on his cheeks and it does things to Levi’s blood flow. He waves and Erwin rushes over, stumbling just a little bit, and pulls Levi into a hug. Levi wonders if he imagined Erwin sighing into his shoulder.

Something about Erwin’s familiarity, his easy affection and the way he just seems to _know_ Levi, loosens something in Levi's chest and the night goes better from there on out. Kenny really is at a bar, hasn't been back much in days as far as Levi knows, but he still feels weird drinking when there’s so many opportunities for strangers to destroy the few shoddy possessions him, Kenny, Farlan, and Isabel have so he stays sober and he's surprised that he actually has fun.

Isabel makes a toast, _To the best big brother!_ , before she does a tequila shot with Erwin. Farlan accumulates a small audience of swooning girls as he describes in lurid detail the brief and tumultuous romance he had with some boy the summer social services caught up to them and sent him to some foster home near Boise. He carefully leaves out the fact that their “romance” only entailed Farlan giving some man almost twice his age a quick blowjob in a TJ Maxx bathroom but Levi isn’t going to ruin his fun. Even Erwin seems to be enjoying himself, slipping upstairs with some boy Levi’s never seen before. The sight tangles Levi’s stomach in knots and he feels sick at the thought of someone else tumbling into Levi’s bed with Erwin, of someone else’s fingers in Erwin’s hair, someone else’s lips on Erwin’s or someone else stroking Erwin’s neck and collarbones, someone else pulling off his binder and licking his nipples or pulling down his boxers and-.

Levi’s surprised to find that for the first time he’s so turned on, so fucking into the idea of Erwin as a friend and maybe as a lot more, that he doesn’t give a fuck what’s under Erwin’s boxers.

“Shit,” he mumbles, standing and quickly making his way upstairs to the bathroom, ignoring Petra’s calls of _what’s wrong_ . He’s not sure if he needs a second to quietly freak out or to jack off but either way he needs privacy _now_.

The bathroom is quieter. He can still hear the sounds of chatter and music from downstairs but even at a distance it still thrums too loudly for him to want to return. Something about being with Erwin, about knowing and being known, makes things that are normally too shitty a lot more tolerable. But without Erwin, Levi can only think to sit on the toilet seat and wait until someone kicks him out of decides to piss in the hallway.

He’s still sitting on the toilet seat with his head in his hands when he hears the voices coming from Levi and Farlan’s shared bedroom.

“Hey, um,” the voice says. Someone else replies but the voice is too low of a rumble and Levi can't make out the words.

“No,” the original voice says. “I think I’m gonna head back downstairs now.”

It’s Erwin.

“Come on, you made me so hard, don’t be a tease-”

Levi knows what happens in moments like these. He knows what fucks do when they say shit like that. But not in his house. Not if he has any fucking say in it.

He throws his bedroom door open before he's even realized that he's left the bathroom. “Get the fuck off him,” he growls.

Erwin’s sitting on Farlan’s bed, a greasy looking fuck wearing jeans and a John Deere tee shirt standing between his legs. John Deere looks at Levi, then at where he’s crushing Erwin’s wrists, then laughs.

“Him?” John Deere says. “I guess she’s kinda ugly but _he_ -?”

Levi lunges across the small length of his room, grabbing John Deere by the collar and throwing him up against the wall of their small room with such force it rips the Depeche Mode poster behind him. Not in his house.

“You’re gonna get the fuck out, right now,” Levi snarls.

“Who the fuck-?”

Levi throws a punch that connects directly with his cheekbone. John Deere howls.

“And if I ever see you anywhere,” he shakes the boy for emphasis, “Near me or any of my friends ever again, you’ll fucking regret it.”

Levi throws the boy towards the door with a hard shove and he waits for the scrambling footsteps down the stairs but he let go of that tension, that desire to _hurt_. He runs a hand through his hair, letting out a deep sigh, but he doesn’t really return to his body until he hears Erwin sniff.

“Shit,” he mutters. “Erwin are you okay?” The other boy is still sitting on the bed, head in his hands like Levi just moments ago and suddenly Levi feels wrong for ever having the thoughts that drove him to the bathroom in the first place.

Erwin shakes his head, mumbles “I’m fine,” between his fingers.

“Erwin, did he hurt you?” Levi asks. It's hard to keep his voice steady. He's so afraid that his knees will buckle that he sits down next to Erwin. Erwin just keeps shaking his head. “I need to know, did he-?”

“Yes!” Erwin rasps shoving his wrist in Levi’s face, narrowly missing his nose, so he can see the red finger-shaped welts forming on the skin. “Yes, he hurt me. But not like that, okay?”

Just as quickly he collapses. He curls into a heap in Levi’s lap. He’s mumbling something but it's so distorted by sobs Levi can only catch tidbits- something about his mom and his dad and missing New York and wanting to be a guy, a _real_ guy, like Levi and Levi himself isn’t sure what to say so he runs his fingers through Erwin’s hair and shushes him with whatever comes to mind.

“It’s okay,” he mumbles though his thoughts are far away, swirling around the kind smiles that Erwin gives him, the one that's so personal and too familiar, the time he didn’t get there quick enough to help Isabel, the nighttime skyline of New York. “I know you and you’re more real than any asshole like that, okay? You’re handsome and you’re smart and-”

“I think I’m gonna vomit,” Erwin interrupts. His voice is heavy with tequila shots and tears. Levi ushers him downstairs and outside but they’re not quick enough and he falls to his hands and knees and empties the contents of his stomach on Levi’s front porch. The few other’s outside all yell a cheer of _Oh!_. Erwin groans.

“Come on, I’m gonna take you home,” Levi says, trying to coax Erwin to standing.

Erwin groans again. “No, no home.”

“You need to sleep this off okay,” Levi says.

“No home,” Erwin repeats. Levi pulls him up to standing and starts to guide him to the car. “No!” Erwin yells, breaking free of Levi’s grip and stumbling back to the house.

“Fine, just stop!” Levi shouts back. “Where do you want to go then?”

* * *

 Levi’s convinced that Denny’s at 3am is a liminal space. Something about the empty dining room, the fluorescent lights, and the 80’s pop music makes Levi think they’re not really on earth anymore. But all in all, it wasn’t a bad choice; after a few glasses of water, a plate of fried eggs and toast, and a cup of black coffee that he stole from Levi, Erwin finally seems to be perking up.

“My mom made me stop T,” he says. He takes a piece of french toast from Levi and uses it to mop up the egg yolk on his plate.

“What?”

Erwin is a talkative drunk, that’s for sure. He washes down his eggy French toast with a long drink of ice water then repeats himself. It’s the first substantial thing Levi has ever said about his mom even though they’ve known each other months

“Yeah, I heard you but,” Levi pauses but decides that 3am isn’t a time for diplomacy. “But why the fuck would she do that?”

Erwin shrugs. “She keeps saying she’ll take me back to the doctor to get a refill but…” he shrugs again. “She used to say that I was too young to know what I wanted to do with my body permanently but I was living with my dad so he let me go on T for almost 7 months before I moved but I haven’t had any since and now my period started again,” Erwin waves with his water glass. Tears fill his eyes. “And that’s probably why I got so messed up that I let that-”

“Hey,” Levi cuts Erwin off, putting a hand on top his. He expects the touch to bring back the memories from the bathroom but instead all he feels is the intense need to comfort. “It’s not your fault. None of it is.”

Erwin shrugs yet again but turns his hand to hold Levi’s.

“Can’t your dad help?”

“There’s only so much he can do without my mom,” Erwin says miserably. “He was helping me get my legal name changed. I could go to school as _Erwin_ and apply to college as _Erwin_ but my mom stopped him. She wouldn’t sign the paperwork and you need both parents to sign if you’re under 18.”

Levi squeezes his hand in reassurance. Erwin takes a shuddering breath, his eyes tracing the speckled linoleum table top like he's counting stars. He says, like it's a bone deep truth,

“She's right to hate me. I took a lot away from her.”

He's wrong and Levi knows it. But he also knows that a drunken argument at Denny's won't do anything to take away that hurt. Levi moves his hand up to Erwin’s wrist, rubs his thumb over the already forming bruises, and knows that as long as Erwin will let him, he’ll never let go.

Erwin takes his other hand and puts it on top of Levi’s.

“Stay at my house tonight.”

Erwin nods. He stays.

* * *

 Levi thinks that Erwin wants things to be awkward between them after that disastrous party but Levi won’t let it be. He drove them back to Kenny’s house while Erwin slept against the window before piling them into bed, making sure Erwin took off his binder before sleeping. They spooned to fit on Levi’s twin sized mattress and pointedly ignored Farlan’s knowing looks the next morning. Erwin says he got in a bit of trouble for staying out way past curfew but whatever the punishment he doesn’t really seem to care.

“Nothing I don't deserve,” Erwin says when Levi asks. His guilt seems seems so old Levi’s swears he remembers it from long before they even met.

After that, Erwin doesn’t get drunk again but the touching doesn’t stop anyway. They snuggle on the couch as they read books for school and for fun, hold each other during movies, casual touches during class or at lunch. Levi thinks a lot about asking Erwin to be his boyfriend.

On a Saturday after New Year’s Day, the weekend before school starts back up, Levi wakes up to a text from Erwin, asking him if he wants to come over later so Erwin can make dinner. It’s late in the day, already past noon, and the text brings back dreams from the night before- the sight of soft flesh and flushed cheeks, the sounds of his and Erwin’s pleasure, the stiffness he woke up with between his legs. He blushes hard, glad he’s alone, and sends Erwin a text asking _when?_. He makes sure he can still hear the sounds of Farlan and Isabel yelling at Fortnite downstairs before he reaches into his boxers and thinks of Erwin.

The sun is already dipping behind the horizon when Levi rings the doorbell to Erwin’s house. He pulls his jacket tighter to him as he waits. It’s new-ish, as far as his clothes go, but he hates the cold no matter what he’s wearing and something about the sun going down before 5pm just seems wrong.

It feels like he’s been shivering on the whitewashed porch forever by the time a tall blonde woman swings open the door. “Oh, you must be Grace’s friend!” She exclaims. Levi stares at her in confusion, checks the house number next again, then looks back at her. She looks a lot like Erwin, he must be in the right place, but who the fuck is Grace?

“I’ve got it, mom,” Erwin says as he trots up, pushing in front of his mom.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she says, putting a hand on Erwin’s head. He’s almost her height and fuck they’re both giants. “I meant you must be _Erwin’s_ friend. Levi, right? I’m Jennifer.”

Levi shakes her hand, dazed.

Jennifer steps aside to let him into the house. Even the entryway is nice, looks new and clean. It makes Levi tugs at the hem of his polo shirt, the green one Kenny had bought for him last winter, the one and only time they drove to the city for temple. He almost wishes he’d tucked it in to hide the hole he’d accidentally burnt with a cigarette near the bottom.

“Erwin’s been in the kitchen all day, I’m so excited to see what she’s cooked up,” Jennifer says over her shoulder as she pads barefoot down the carpet hallway. Erwin stays rooted to his place, eyes glassy. Levi stays with him.

“Mom,” he mutters. “Can you go check on the oven please?”

“Of course” She exclaims. “I’ll just leave you too alone.”

Erwin groans as soon as she’s turned the corner.

“It’s fine,” Levi says immediately. “I know who you are, okay?”

“I know,” Erwin says. He draws Levi into a hug, arms around each others’ waists. Levi rests his head on Erwin’s chest instinctively. “Levi, I-”

“Erwin!” his mom calls from the kitchen. “The timer just went off, should I take them out?”

“No, don’t touch it, I’ll be right there!” Erwin shouts back, untangling their arms. He places a kiss on Levi’s head almost as an afterthought. Levi feels blush rise to his cheeks.

“I, um,” Erwin says, clearing his throat. “I hope you like spinach souffle.”

Levi stammers out a quick _I’ve never had souffle_ but he can still feel those lips on his forehead and those arms around his waist, and the burn of such easy, tender affection makes him slack jawed and still.

When he finally follows the sounds of the others to the dining room, Levi’s finds his spot set with a placemat. _A_ _placemat_. Levi’s not even sure if he’s ever seen one that’s not paper and decorated with the Chinese Zodiac. Erwin pulls out the chair for Levi, and Levi sits with a murmur of _holy shit_ , both their faces flushed with deep blush.

“This looks good” Levi says as Erwin serves him on a plate garnished with parsley. He's even decorate the table with a couple small candles a bouquet of flowers Levi can’t name.

As they eat, they share a comfortable back and forth as they catch up on the details of their breaks. Erwin asks about Farlan and Isabel and Hanukkah before Levi has to explain he actually celebrates Christmas and it was good, he got a stuffed koala from Isabel and a watch from Farlan. Levi asks about the dinner Erwin had with his gender support group for people who don’t have families to celebrate the holidays with, about Erwin’s trip to visit his best friend Mike in New York. Erwin smiles so brightly it warms the cool wintery room.

“So, Levi,” Jennifer says the second there’s a lull in the conversation. “You go to school with Grace?”

Erwin tenses up instantly and Levi wonders what it would be like to be so thoroughly shut out of his life, to have to watch someone so incredible from a distance. He would almost feel bad if she hadn’t done this to herself.

Levi crosses his arms across his chest. “Yeah, I’m in Erwin’s grade.”

“Oh, I meant-”

“May we be excused?” Erwin interrupts. His chair scrapes across the floor as he stands and his eyes widen at the sound.

“Of course, sweetie,” Jennifer says with a barbed smile. “You’re the host.” But he’s already out of the room. Levi glances at her quickly before he follows Erwin back to the kitchen.

Erwin is dipping a mixing bowl into the sink’s soapy water gingerly, and though Erwin is turned away from him, Levi can see grief etched into the slump of his shoulders.

“Erwin,” Levi says. He says nothing, and halfassedly sponges at a cutting board with a deep sigh. “Erwin,” he repeats.

“I’m sorry.” He finally turns to look at Levi. There are tears in his eyes but they cannot hide the devotion that Levi himself feels too. Levi thinks about the shame Erwin always tries his best to hide when someone calls him a girl, thinks about enduring that every time he’s home, and realizes that no matter how shitty things can be with Kenny, it could probably never be that bad.

“I’m sorry, I just-” Erwin cuts himself off with a groan.

“I know you,” Levi whispers from across the kitchen.

Erwin leans limply against the countertop and put his head in his hands. “No you don’t,” he mutters.

“I know you,” he repeats. He goes to the counter and grabs Erwin’s hand, but with Erwin hurting it’s still not enough to reassure Levi that he’s whole. He pulls Erwin in so close their hips are flush.

“I know you too,” Erwin says. The words lodge themselves firmly in Levi’s throat and he leans further into the touch, presses his cheek to Erwin’s chest. His skin feels flushed even through his button down.

“I mean, uh.” Levi can feel Erwin shift on his feet. “I really do know you. My family lived here together until I started third grade.”

He’s about to protest because _he doesn’t remember_ but then he does-- the little blonde kid who came to find him under the slide, who protected him from bullies for a couple years, who’s been on his mind almost a decade later for seemingly no reason. The kind smiles and furrowed brow and eyes that spoke of guilt for things not yet done, for things that should hold no guilt in the first place. The only kid who would play with him. His friend. His Commander. “Grace,” he whispers breathily. “You were that Grace?”

Erwin smirks and shrugs. “I know you know all about-” Erwin gestures vaguely at himself. “But it’s still weird that you used to think I was a girl.”

“Erwin, I-” Levi stutters. For a second Erwin face falls into disappointment and Levi hates that, hates that Erwin could ever think-.

He pushes his lips against Erwin’s in haste. It’s graceless and clumsy and a little too forcefulbut pressed up against Erwin he feels breathless with joy.

“All of you,” he pants against Erwin’s lips. “I want to know all of you, Erwin, because I-”

Erwin kisses him and _fuck_. Erwin knows him, knows all the things that Levi can’t say. His kisses are shy and gentle but full of such sincerity it’s like he’s teaching Levi secrets.

Erwin pulls away and they both gasp in time with the drip-drop of the leaky kitchen sink.

“Me too,” he breathes. “Me too.”


End file.
